Late Friday night… because that’s exactly when you drop news you don’t want people asking too many questions about… White House physician Dr. Sean Barbabella released a memo about President Trump’s recent three-hour checkup at Walter Reed.
According to the doc, the 79-year-old president isn’t just doing okay; he’s apparently thriving like a prime athlete, claiming he “remains in excellent health, demonstrating strong cardiac, pulmonary, neurological, and overall physical function.”
For months now, folks have been talking about the very visible wear and tear on the President. People have been pointing out mysterious, dark bruising on his hands and some serious swelling in his legs during his public appearances. But according to Dr. Barbabella, we’re all just overreacting. The report claims the hand bruising is just “dorsal hand ecchymosis” which is a fancy way of saying his skin is thin from taking aspirin and he shakes too many hands… As for the heavy leg swelling? The White House previously admitted he has chronic venous insufficiency (bad leg veins), but now says he’s “showing improvement from last year.”
Naturally, Trump didn’t waste a second hopping onto Truth Social to brag about his clean bill of health. He posted, “Just finished my 6 month physical at Walter Reed Military Medical Center. Everything checked out PERFECTLY. Thank you to the great Doctors and Staff!”
The report even tried to pull off the ultimate flex, claiming that based on an electrocardiogram, Trump’s “cardiac age” is somehow 14 years younger than his actual age. It’s hard not to chuckle at the math here. They also claimed he aced the Montreal Cognitive Assessment with another perfect 30 out of 30, because of course he did.
The only piece of actual reality in this entire glowing report card is that the President has been spending a little too much time around the White House kitchen. The stats show Trump is sitting at 6-foot-3 and weighing in at 238 pounds, meaning he’s packed on 14 pounds since last spring. With a Body Mass Index of 29.7, he is literally a hair away from being medically classified as obese.
The medical team noted that “preventive counseling was provided, including guidance on diet, recommendation to take a low-dose aspirin, increased physical activity and continued weight loss.”
Socialites, what are your thoughts on this latest medical report? Sound off in the comment box below!