Cheslie Kryst, who passed away by suicide on January 30, 2022, asked her mother to release her posthumous memoir as her final wish. The memoir reflects on her private battle with depression during her time winning the Miss America crown and her high-profile career as an Emmy-nominated correspondent for “Extra.”
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While working behind the scenes, Kryst was dealing with her mental health struggles that those close to her were aware of, and her mother, April Simpkins, said her daughter often expressed feelings of inadequacy despite the wins in her life. According to PEOPLE, Kryst revealed in the memoir that she felt that she was never enough and the intense pressure of being a public figure, feeling pressured to embody perfection as a role model for others, and obligation to excel in every aspect of her career to pave the way for others who have been excluded from similar opportunities.
One memoir excerpt revealed her feelings about winning the “Miss USA” title in May 2019: “Just hours after my win, I had to delete vomit-face emojis that a few accounts had plastered all over the comments on my Instagram page. More than one person messaged me telling me to kill myself. All of this only added to my long-standing insecurities — the feeling that everyone around me knew more than I did, that everyone else was better at my job, and that I didn’t deserve this title. People would soon find out I was a fraud. I felt like an imposter, but not just in pageants.”
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“Over the next few weeks, the media coverage continued. I almost always suppressed my panicky thoughts and feelings of inadequacy during my interviews. I only felt like a failure afterward, as I meticulously picked apart each of my responses and kicked myself for not using a better word or saying a profound phrase or interjecting humor or throwing out a useful stat. Winning Miss USA hadn’t made my imposter syndrome go away. Instead, I was waiting for people to realize I didn’t have a clue about what I was doing”
Simpkins explained to the outlet that her daughter sent her a text message hours before her death and stated that it was devastating, but her daughter always found a way to be happy despite the constant battle with depression: “Everyday I’d had with her was a true gift from God. Every day she was here was a victory.”
If you or someone you know is experiencing a mental health struggle or crisis, call or text 988 for help.